Wednesday, November 24, 2010

How not to raise Baby

At least, that's what came to mind when reading this compendium of latest i-Baby products for the avid geek. If you  have ever taken guilty pleasure in skimming the largely useless and pricey wonder products featured in the Skymall catalog, this article may come as an eye-opener to those among you who are expecting parents or already have little bundles of joy at home.
iPhone App for White Noise, to soothe the crying baby to sleep: Whatever happened to running the vacuum cleaner in the next room? (Bonus, some cleaning just got done)
Cry Translator, to tell you why your baby cries: I'll take 1 millions years of evolution of the mammalian brain over electronics and software that will make you rend your hair as you try to figure out why it insists that your baby is hungry when what she really has is a wet diaper.
Advanced Space-Agey bouncing chair: Nothing to beat the warmth of Mommy's lap. Call me when it has a heated pad. (Oops, I think I may have just given away another patentable idea there!)
Baby Monitors and sensors galore: Forget the separate room and just keep baby in the same room where you sleep. Then you  won't be paranoid wondering about missing the sound of baby breathing/burping/sneezing next to you.  Or inadvertently broadcasting the bedroom activities to any other baby monitors in adjacent apartments or houses.
Baby care timer thingy: How lovely, to feed a baby by the clock, change diapers by the clock, put the baby down for a nap by the clock. Babies don't have clocks, ergo we must get them accustomed to strict time schedules ASAP, the sooner for them to get ready for the rat race of Life in the Big Bad World.
Word to the wise: throw out the clock and watch the baby for cues for all of the above. You will have a much easier baby to deal with, without needing a dozen gizmos to pay attention to more than your precious little one.

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